After The End
by faeirex
Summary: There are many unanswered questions in life. Why didn't the Sheriff of Nottingham just kill Robin Hood? The Wicked Queen:If you're going to poison Snow White why not use real poison? And why does Batman need Robin? Most pressing of all however is the si
1. Scene 1

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Authors note: this is a play co-written with polkat for our annual school competition, to be performed by a group of 11-14 year olds. It's our first effort, and from it we've learnt a lot of things the hard way – for example, it's not a good idea to put 40 children on stage at the same time and expect them to concentrate, especially when a large proportion of them are year 7's. All the same, producing it was amusing, possibly because both of us, maybe mistakenly, believe that huge amounts of sarcasm is funny. Rips-off about every comedy I care to think of right now, so maybe it should be on fanfiction or something, but the idea at least is original. If anybody thinks this shouldn't be here, I'll move it. Enjoy!

Scene 1:

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[Stage and auditorium are in darkness. Manic laughter starts. A spotlight circles round before lighting on a chair, its back to the audience. The laughter stops and slowly the chair rotates to reveal…]

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Deep Voiced Narrator: Yes, Scott Evil. The dastardly Doctor's son had concocted a sly scheme and had summoned a host of hideously depraved villains in order to help him carry out this evil plan.

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Scott Evil: Ladies and gentlemen welcome to my underground, secret volcano lair. Now as you all know…

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Assistant 1: Scott…

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Scott Evil: _[snappily] _Yes?

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Assistant 1: Well, we…er…had a bit of a problem with the…

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Scott Evil: Underground, secret volcano layer?

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Assistant 2: _[nods pathetically]_ We couldn't find one.

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Scott Evil: _[slowly] _You…couldn't find one?

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Assistant 2: Not exactly. 

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Scott Evil: Why do I even bother? Where are we then?!

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Assistant 1: We tried really hard, but, well what with funds and all, and that new scientific research that proves the fumes from volcanoes are noxious…[trails off]

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Scott Evil: [_gives assistant hard look]_ I didn't ask why. Where are we?

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Assistant 2: _[mumbles something]_

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Scott Evil: Speak up. I'm a little hard of hearing. 

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Assistant 2: [sheepishly] One of the less used classrooms of…er…Yateley School.

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Scott Evil: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. _[hopefully]_ Is it an evil school?

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Assistant 1: They do have rather hideous school jumpers?

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Scott Evil: Just forget it. Go get yourself a drink or something… _[shouts after retreating Assistants]_ some kind of therapy perhaps. 

Ladies and Gentlemen welcome to my classroo- my secret lair. Our first meeting has officially begun. [_Scott Evil unveils the white board with the giant word "Bunies" written on it.]_

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Saruman the White: _[Looking up] _Bunnies? Please don't tell me that's what we're calling ourselves.

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Wicked Queen: _[absently]_ You've spelt it wrong. Bunnies has a double n. 

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Scott Evil: _[sarcastically]_ So glad you noticed. 

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Dracula: Ve're calling ourselves Bunnies?

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Scott Evil: Of course not. It stands for "Baddies uniting now! An invincible evil society!"

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Dracula: Vich shortens to Bunnies.

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Wicked Queen: Which is still spelt wrongly. 

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Scott Evil: That's because it isn't bunnies! 

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Cat Woman: Can we move on?

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Saruman: Can we change our name?

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Scott Evil: If we must. And yes, let's move on. As this is our first meeting there may be some people here who don't know each other. 

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Baddies: _[groan]_

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Sheriff: [whining] Do we have to?

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Scott Evil: Yes. You first.

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Sheriff: _[stand up and rather half-heartedly says]_ Hello I'm the Sheriff of Nottingham, I…er… enjoy horse riding and taking over England. My dislikes include Robin Hood, carrots…

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Scott Evil: Next

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Sheriff: But I was just getting into the swing of it.

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Scott Evil: _[firmly]_ Next!

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Wicked Queen: My name is Esmerelda. I was the Queen of England until that brat Snow White came along. Now I seek revenge!

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Scott Evil: Yes… alright. Next!

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Cat Woman: I am Cat Woman_. [sits down.]_

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Wicked Queen: That's it?

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Cat Woman: Well I'm an easily recognisable figure. People don't need to be told who I am.

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Saruman: But you just told us who you are.

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Cat Woman: Alright, alright, but you don't need to be told what my favourite vegetable is though do you?

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[Everyone turns to look at the Sheriff of Nottingham]

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Sheriff: I went first give me a break.

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Scott Evil: NEXT!

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Dracula: My name is Dracula, Lord of the Dead. I live in a big castle in Transylvania [sadly] or rather I used to until Van Hesling staked me through the heart. [Off other villains looks] It's not as fatal as it used to be. 

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Darth Maul: I am Darth Maul. I had no lines in Star Wars, and I have no lines in this play either.

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Morgan: Morgan le Fae. I am both King Arthur's half sister and the reason his marriage never worked out. 

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White Witch: Really? How?

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Morgan: I slept with him. _[everyone else shudders]_

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Will: _[friendly voice] _Hi, I'm Will Sarell. Personal nemesis of over a thousand school children. I helped design the jumpers. 

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[Everyone shudders]

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Morgan: You sicken even me. 

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White Witch: I am the White Witch. _[Off their blank looks]_ From Narnia? Don't you people read?! I made it eternal winter and was eventually defeated by four school children?

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[Loud snickering from other villains]

For God's sake! _[sulkily]_ I'm only here because the writers couldn't think of any other female villains. 

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Bob: I'm Bob. I'm an alcoholic.

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Saruman: Saruman the Whit…. _[double take] _You're who?

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Bob: Bob.

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Saruman: Oh that's alright th…. What are you doing here? What place do you have in such an impressive circle of evil geniuses?

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Bob: Well, I sell insurance.

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[gasps of horror from the others] I also mistook this for a meeting of the Rabbit Lovers Anonymous Club. I thought that maybe they'd changed their name.

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Saruman: See what I mean?

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Scott Evil: Alright, it's gone. _[sighs]_ Is anyone else here for the "Rabbit Lovers Anonymous Club"?

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[Sheriff raises his hand hesitantly, but Saruman shakes his head vigorously and the hand is lowered.] 

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Scott Evil: _[to guard] _Excellent. Take this idiot away then. _[when guard doesn't respond]_ Ahem? Why aren't you taking Bob away?

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Guard: Bob? Oooooooooooooooooh. I wasn't sure which particular idiot you meant. No problemo? [smiles cheerfully.] If you'll come with me sir.

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Bob: _[offstage]_ You're a guard right? That's a high risk job. Have you ever considered taking out life insurance?

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[Noise of door slamming]

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Scott Evil: Thank badness that's over. _[Lifts invisible tape recorder] _Note to self: get better guards. _[Lowers his hand then reconsiders and lifts it again.] _Additional note to self: get real reporter's tape recorder. Am beginning to attract strange looks. _[Clears his throat loudly.]_

I think that's all we need to hear. Obviously there aren't enough evil genius' around now days. Has any one got Bill Gates Number? _[silence] _No? A shame. He promised Windows XP would be significently different from previous updates and lied to the world. That's evil for you._ [silence] _But now to business. I suspect I am not the only one who is tired of being constantly vanquished by nancy-boy heroes against insurmountable odds. They never have any resources, they never have a plan and yet for some inexplicable reason each hero triumphs with just his good looks and his band of dim but loveable sidekicks. It's insufferable and it must stop. It is for this reason I have summoned you here today, together we can put an end to this.

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[The lights dim]

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Deep Voiced Narrator: All night long they talked and in the morning they had settled on their diabolical plot and it was this… _[lights up]_

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Scott Evil: Would you please keep it down, we're discussing something very important here.

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Sheriff: Who are you anyway? _[loud agreement from the other villains. Slight pause]_

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Deep Voiced Narrator: I'm the Deep Voiced Narrator. I'm a crucial part of any story. 

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Dracula: Vell, you're not wanted.

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Deep Voiced Narrator: Not at all?

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Cat Woman: Not at all.

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Deep Voiced Narrator: But how are the audience going to know what's going on in the story?

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Scott Evil: They're watching the play. They don't need you either.

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Deep Voiced Narrator: Fine. You won't hear me again.

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Saruman: I think he's sulking.

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Deep Voiced Narrator: Am not!

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Saruman: You're talking again.

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Deep Voiced Narrator: Just leave me alone.

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Wicked Queen: Are we all agreed on our plan?

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Villains all except Sheriff: _[agree]_

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Sheriff: Er… no. What're we doing tonight?

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Wicked Queen: The same thing we do every night, Sheriff. Try to take over the world!

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Scott Evil: _[coughs loudly]_ Excuse me, but I believe _I _am the head of this evil organisation. That's my line.

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Wicked Queen: Be my guest.

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Scott Evil: Thankyou. The same thing we do every night: Try to wake over the torld!

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[silence]

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Scott Evil: _[sighs]_ What she said.

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[Black out.]


	2. Scene 1b

And just to pass the time whilst we change scenes… 

Scene 1b

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[Stage door opens. Out come Guard and Bob]

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Bob: …So, do you think it's important to provide security for your family?

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Guard: My only family were killed 2 years ago by a rogue tea cosy. It's very painful. We don't talk about it.

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Bob: Right then. _[pause] _But if you _did_ have a family, would you think it important to provide security for them?

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Guard: I guess so.

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Bob: So if you were killed, your hypothetical family would need something to live off, don't you agree?

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Guard: Well…yes?

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Bob: So, in order to provide for your hypothetical family, you should invest in some life insurance. And, my friend, I just happen to be an insurance salesman. Walk with me now.

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[Exit Guard and Bob]


	3. Scene 2

Scene 2:

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Deep Voiced Narrator: While Scott Evil and his corrupt cronies plotted privately through the night another meeting was also occurring. We've already met the baddies but what about the story's heroes? This courageous band of wily workers never stop labouring, they never tire of keeping you safe, they never…

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Frodo: Right foot red!

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Deep Voiced Narrator: _[pauses]_ …pause in their quest for justice. Each hero more dedicated than the next, each more cunning, more handsome, more valiant, more graceful, more charming… 

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Sam: Oi Art! Get your fat foot out of my face! _[whining] _Mr Frodo, he's cheating!

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Deep Voiced Narrator: I don't know why I bother. 

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[Lights up. Robin, King Arthur, a dwarf and Edmund are playing twister with Batman spinning the wheel. Robin Hood and Susan are busy competing for the space in front of a full-length mirror. A couple of the dwarfs and Peter and Lucy are playing cards. Frodo is sitting on his own fiddling with a golden ring. Sam is sitting staring at Frodo.]

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Arthur: King's don't cheat.

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Lucy: Sneezy, have you got any 3's old chap? 

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Frodo: Left hand green, Edmund. 

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[He reaches out and the whole group falls to the ground.]

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Sneezy: _[beams and gets up]_ The falling's always the fun part isn't it? 

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Edmund: Sorry comrades. 

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Sneezy: Go fish. Peter, any 4's?

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[The last few dwarfs arrive as does a host of Merry-men. From the other side of the stage appear tow guards complete with walkie-talkies and red tape. They proceed to barricade the Merry-men in a corner of the stage.

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Guard 1: Everybody keep back, keep back.

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Guard 2: You there, can you stay away from Mr Hood please?

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Little John: But…

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Guard 1: I'm sure Mr Hood will be delighted to take your questions just as soon as he has the time, but for now I must ask you to keep your distance. Please wait until after the show for autographs.

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Grumbles from the Merry-men, guards continue muttering in to their walkie-talkies. Robin Hood finally gets pushed away from the mirror, smiles broadly at his men.]

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Robin Hood: Welcome my Merry-men! _[The men glare at him and sit themselves around the floor. Robin Hood moves to the front of the room.]_

Let's get this meeting started!

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[Black out apart from spotlight around Robin Hood's face.]

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Deep Voiced Narrator: Robin Hood. As stupid as he is vain. His intrepid band of Merry-men have long since stopped being merry, about 10 seconds after they'd met Robin actually. 

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[Lights up again. Robin Hood rubs his hands gleefully.]

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Robin Hood: Is there any old business? Wait a minute, Where's Snow White?

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[One of the dwarfs steps up importantly]

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Doc: As Ms White's representatives at this meeting I have to express her deepest regrets that she cannot be with us today. Oh her behalf of Ms White, we would like to show great thanks for the honour that has been done to her, and gracefully accept the Most Beautiful Heroine Award for her work in recent fairy tales. Ms White would like to thank-

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Susan: Hang on, hang on old boy, what's all this about an award?

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[All turn and look at Robin Hood, who looks embarrassed.]

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Robin Hood: _[shamefacedly] _Just showing my appreciation…

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Doc: _[continues] _Ms White would also like to reciprocate by nominating Mr Hood for the Most Dashing Hero Award…_[All turn and look at Robin again]_

[Black out during which the other dwarfs also rise and stand next to Doc. The spot light focus's on his face.]

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Deep Voiced Narrator: The dwarfs: Doc,_ [the spot light moves on to the next dwarf, who is glaring at the audience], _Happy, _[spotlight moves on to next dwarf, who is grinning insanely] _Grumpy, _[pause. dwarves stop and look at each other. Happy and Grumpy shuffle round and swap places. spotlight moves on and voice continues] _Sneezy, _[moves to next dwarf, etc.] _Sleepy, Bashful, Dopey. _[the spot light moves on to focus on the stomach of a rather tall dwarf. It pans up to reveal Vinnie Jones **(replace with any other improbable character you like. We had a geography teacher)**]_ And of course the eighth dwarf Shorty who was cut from the movie because the director had certain rather prejudiced ideas about dwarfs, one of them being that they should be...well… short.

[Lights up]

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Doc: We also represent Mr Powers who is also absent due to an unforeseen family crisis. 

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Austin Powers: _[offstage] _No I'm not! They kidnapped me. They-

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[Doc nods to another dwarf, who disappears offstage. The voice stops. Other characters sit in silence for a few moments]

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Edmund: Family crisis?

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Doc: It was the best we could come up with at short notice. Problem?

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Edmund: It's just…it's not very original, is it?

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Doc: _[angrily] _Well, if you think you can do any better… 

[Peter gets up and stands next to his brother]

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Peter: Leave Ed alone shorty! 

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Shorty: But I did nothing!

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Peter: _[to Shorty] _Not you. _[to Doc] _And you-

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[Black out. The other children join them at the front.]

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Deep Voiced Narrator: Peter, Susan, Edmund and Lucy: The four school children who quite unexpectedly discovered a magic world through a wardrobe and became its kings and queens. _[Pause]_ Who wrote this? Unexpectedly discovered a magic world? When would you ever open a wardrobe _expecting_ to find a magic world? 

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Susan: To be fair, lots of people probably do now that they've read Narnia. 

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[Lights up]

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Peter: _[calmly] _As I was saying, _[turns to Doc, raises voice again] _You-

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Arthur: Peace people, peace. Have you forgotten we are all friends here? Remember, violence never solved anything. It is through love that we will overcome all obstacles.

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Edmund: You beastly little… 

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Arthur: _[hurriedly] _Remember the fuss the cleaning lady made last time we got blood on the carpet?

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[Black out]

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Deep Voiced Narrator: King Arthur of England. A notorious bad cook and cheat at Twister, he normally tries to worm his way out of trouble by preaching non-violence. His process in this is hindered by the fact that none of the other heroes can even _spell _non-violence.

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[Lights up]

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Edmund: Can _he _spell non-violence?

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Arthur: _[defensively] _Hey, don't talk to me like that!

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Edmund: Why not?

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[Arthur thinks for a while, then brightens]

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Arthur: Because I am Arthur, wise ruler of Camelot, beloved husband of fair Guinevere, championed by Merlin the Magician, chosen of the Lady in the Lake, leader of the Knights of the Round Table, and wielder of Excalibur! [_he brandishes a red and blue plastic sword]_

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Dopey: _[laughing] That's _Excalibur?

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Arthur: Yes.

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Dopey: Wow, your people were advanced. I thought plastic wasn't invented until the twentieth century.

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Arthur: Firstly, when has anything in this play made sense? Secondly, it's a _magic _sword. _[mumbling] _Plus there have been a few budget cuts, and we had to melt down the swords to make crowns.

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Lucy: So why is yours made of cardboard?

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Arthur: _[shuffles his feet slightly] _Well, the budget was cut further and we had to melt the crowns down to make sledgehammers…

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Grumpy: Why did you need sledgehammers?

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Arthur: Don't ask me. _[continues] …_and then we had to melt the sledgehammers down to make paperweights, and then we had to melt the paperweights down to make some more rings for Frodo, because he keeps dropping them down volcanoes…

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[All turn to look at Frodo. Black out]

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Deep Voiced Narrator: Frodo Baggins, son of Drogo, son of Fosco, son of Largo, and second cousin once removed of Bilbo Baggins of Bag End. Heroic qualities even more dubious than his fellows, as whenever confronted by an attacker his first course of action is to fall over. Frodo spends the first book whining about the ring and the second two books in the trilogy being carried by his loyal gardener Sam.

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Sam: Hey, don't you say that about Mr Frodo!

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Deep Voiced Narrator: _[Meekly] _Sorry. _[recovering]_ Wait, I don't have to take that from you. What if I don't? What are you going to do about it?

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Sam:_ [mutters loudly] _It's just unnatural to have a giant disembodied voice like that. 

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Deep Voiced Narrator: But of course it's perfectly alright to have giant hairy feet?

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[light up]

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Arthur: …and then we has to melt the rings down to make one of those executive desk thingies for Guinevere…

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Batman: Ok, ok, we get the picture. Didn't it occur to you to…no, forget it.

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[Black out]

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Deep Voiced Narrator: The daring duo: Batman and Robin. A James Bond wannabe, Batman keeps inexplicably changing his appearance. The other heroes tactfully avoid mentioning this. As for Robin…well, nobody really knows why he's here, as Batman appears to have all the necessary skills to defeat any supervillains on his own. It will remain one of life's great unsolved mysteries, right up alongside how they get the ships in the glass bottles?

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[light up] 

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Lucy: But they don't put the ships in the glass bottles silly, they make them in there. Are you quite done now?

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Deep Voiced Narrator: Yes. Apart from if Wil-e-coyote had enough money for huge quantities of explosives, why didn't he just buy dinner? Got an answer for that one smart alec?

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Lucy: Well, for a start...ow! _[Peter glares at her]_

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Peter: Don't start him off. Just let it go, or we'll be here forever.

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Robin Hood: Good. Right then, any old business? _[chorus of no's]_

Any new business? _[more no's]_

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Batman: Why do we even have these meetings? Apart from so Robin can award himself trophies of course.

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Robin Hood: Well, now that you mention it, I was thinking that we could…

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All: _[loudly] _No!

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Robin Hood: Alright, alright, it was just a suggestion! Fine then, how about a game of charades?

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Sam: _[sulkily] _Arthur cheats.

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Arthur: Me? I'm as honest as, uh, a person who is very honest indeed.

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[Black out]


	4. Scene 3

Scene 3:

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[The lights come up on the super villains meeting again] 

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Cat Woman: So you think this will work do you?

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Scott Evil: Of course. _[Everyone still looks unconvinced] _Have any of you actually met Robin Hood?

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Wicked Queen: I saw the back of his head once at one of his autograph signings.

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Morgan: Wow, you are so lucky!

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Wicked Queen: I know! 

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Scott Evil: _[glares]_ I spoke metaphorically. But anyone who actually knows the dear Mr. Hood knows he would award himself the trophy for "the stupidest super hero" if it was shiny enough and didn't clash with his hair too badly. Believe me he'll lap this up. _[He starts laughing maniacally. The lights go out the laughter continues as the furniture is removed]_

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Scott Evil: _[flatly] _Please tell me that's not a Robin Hood fanclub badge.


	5. Scene 4

Scene 4:

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[light up on the heroes. Sneezy is standing at the back of the stage miming 'Batman']

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Arthur: One word.

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Robin Hood: It's a film.

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[Sneezy starts to point at Batman]

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Lucy: You?

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Grumpy: Man?

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Doc: The Invisible Man?

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Grumpy: That's 3 words you idiot!

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Doc: _[pause while he works it out] _Hey, you're right!

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Robin Hood: Men? Him?

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[Sneezy points more frantically]

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Arthur: Bat?

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Grumpy: Superhero?

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Lucy: I told you we're no good at this game!

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Arthur: Man in a bat costume?

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[Sneezy gives up and changes tactic]

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Doc: Two syllables

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Grumpy: Second syllable…

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[Sneezy points at Batman again]

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Lucy: Haven't we done this part already?

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Robin Hood: You, me, him, men, man _[Sneezy nods] _Man! Man!

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Arthur: First syllable…

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Doc: Sounds like

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[Sneezy points at random audience member]

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Robin Hood: Ugly?

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Arthur: Spotty?

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Doc: Tall?

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Lucy: Bald?

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Grumpy: Fat? _[Sneezy starts to nod] _Sounds like fat.

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Arthur: Something man.

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Lucy: Flatman?

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Robin Hood: Hatman?

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Doc: Catman?

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Arthur: Satman?

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Robin Hood: Ratman? Come on Batman, help us out here.

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Batman: Ummm, Matman?

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[Sneezy gives up and collapses to the ground]

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Doc: Look, it's no good, we're never gonna get it. You should stop picking such hard ones.

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Deep Voiced Narrator: But just as our brave, resourceful, intelligent heroes were just on the verge of cracking Sneezy's dastardly charade, what should they hear but a knock on the door!

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[a knocking sound is heard. Lucy goes to the door and returns carrying a letter]

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Lucy: There was nobody there, but I found this.

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[Heroes gather round. Lucy opens the letter]

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Robin Hood: What does it say?

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Lucy: Erm, well, the thing about that is…

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King Arthur: You can't read, can you?

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Lucy: Can you?

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Arthur: Well… Batman, why don't you read it?

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Batman: Give it to Robin.

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Robin: Give it to one of the dwarves. _[Offers it to Happy]_

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Happy: Give it to a _different_ dwarf.

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Sleepy: Give it to Frodo.

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Frodo: _[still playing with the ring] _Give it to Sam.

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Sam: Give it to the audience.

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Peter: Hang on a minute, the audience are clearly the most uneducated of us all! Can't any of you do better than them?

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Frodo: Why don't you read it then? You're supposed to be one of the four schoolchildren.

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Peter: Have you seen the national curriculum recently? We're not expected to _read_ any more. Besides, I was busy ruling over a mythical land remember? 

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Robin Hood: So what we're saying is that none of us can actually read?

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[general murmurs along the lines of 'well I wouldn't put it quite _like that…' etc]_

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Robin Hood: So…how are we going to read the letter then?

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Deep Voiced Narrator: Can I make a suggestion?

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Edmund: Go ahead.

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Deep Voiced Narrator: Well, I could just read it for you.

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Grumpy: How? You're a disembodied voice. How can you possibly see the letter?

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Deep Voiced Narrator: That's a little harsh. True, but harsh. Just because I'm only a voice doesn't mean I have no feelings, you know…

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Grumpy: So you can't see the letter?

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Deep Voiced Narrator: Admittedly no. But I _do _have a copy of the script. Ahem. 

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[black out]

[light up on male villains in front of stage on right]

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Scott: So you all know what we're doing?

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All: Yes

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Scott: Good. Now, I have to go practise my evil laughter, but the rest of you can write the letter.

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Assistant: Actually, your diary says you're going mini golfing with George Bush.

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Scott: _[looks nervous] _No…that was…er…last week. _[leaves hurriedly]_

[black out]

[light up on heroes]

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Dopey: _That's _in the letter?

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Deep Voiced Narrator: No, that's just so the audience know what's happening. You didn't hear that part.

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Dopey: Oh. Ok.

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Deep Voiced Narrator: Right, here we go. Ahem.

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[black out]

[light up on baddies]

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Sheriff: _[writing] _Dear Superheroes…

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Saruman: _[reciting] _We, the _former_ supervillains, after a course of intensive therapy, have finally realised the error of our ways. 

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Dracula: _[Interrupting] _No longer shall ve spend our evenings plotting for a vay to take over the vorld and kill you in a variety of painful vays. Henceforth, ve pledge to become strong and upstanding members of the community, 

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Will: _[excitedly] _and help out at old ladies coffee mornings!

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Saruman: To thank you for the number of times you have prevented us from achieving our lifetime dreams, we would like to invite you to a special award-giving ceremony in appreciation of the great things you lot have done for us. 

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Dracula: Please attend in Yateley School's Main Hall on Thursday evening at 7:30 pm, vere ve vill present you vith your Saving-the-Vorld trophies. 

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Will: _[handing tickets to Sheriff] _Eighteen tickets are enclosed. 

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Sheriff: _[still writing] _Signed, 

Scott Mildly Nasty

The friendly neighbourhood Sheriff of Nottingham

The not-quite-so-wicked-as-she-appears Queen

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Dracula: Dracula the now strictly vegetarian

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Sheriff: Kitty-catwoman

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Saruman: Saruman the White hearted

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Sheriff: The greatly misunderstood Morgan le Fae

Up-for-a-laugh Maul

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Will: Will I-didn't-really-have-that-much-to-do-with-the-jumpers Sarell

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Sheriff: And The Fluffy Pink Witch

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Saruman: P.S. This is not a trap. Honest. _[pause]_

[black out]

[light up on heroes]

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Deep Voiced Narrator: I'm done now.

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Dopey: Thanks.

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[Robin Hood looks up from the letter]

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Robin Hood: There's something wrong here.

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Batman: You think?

__

[Spot light appears at the side of the stage with Scott Evil and the female villains standing in it.]

****

Cat Woman: See I told you he'd figure out. He's so intelligent. I like his hair like that.

****

Scott Evil: Maybe I misjudged him. 

****

Robin Hood: I can't put my finger on it.... Oh wait, they haven't dotted this i. I knew there was something.

****

Scott Evil: Maybe not. _[He walks from the spot light]_

****

White Witch: You know we could probably touch him from here. 

__

[The spot light goes off.]

****

Will Scarlet: Eighteen? Hey, what about us?

****

Robin Hood: Well, you're not coming, obviously. Sorry about that chaps.

****

Friar Tuck: You are not!

****

Kevin: You're not even listening!

****

Robin Hood: I'm sorry, were you saying something? I was thinking about my trophy.

****

Brian: Well we're starting to feel…

****

Robin Hood: I think I'll put it next to the "nicest smile" award.

****

Brian: …like you don't listen to us.

****

Little John: Robin…

****

Robin Hood: Hmmm?

****

Little John: Robin, I think it's a trap.

****

Robin Hood: Didn't you read the p.s? Of course it's not a trap.

****

Little John: There really isn't one brain cell inside that pretty blond head is there?

****

Robin Hood: I hope not!

****

Will Scarlet: Robin, you do know what a brain cell is don't you? It's a good thing.

****

Robin Hood: _[smiles broadly] _Ooooooooh, right. Lots then.

****

Bradley: How many is lots?

****

Robin Hood: Oh, ten at least.

****

Little John: Just checking. Come on, I can't be the only one who thinks it's just a tad fishy. The world's supervillains suddenly turn good overnight?

****

Deep Voiced Narrator: Well, I for one…

****

Robin Hood: See, nobody is even slightly suspicious.

****

Deep Voiced Narrator: Actually I did say something. I do have the script here you know people. It might help if you listened to me.

****

Bashful: Wow, what does it say?

****

Deep Voiced Narrator: Well, Robin's about to suggest you order pizza.

****

Both Robins: Am I?

****

Deep Voiced Narrator: Well, Robin Hood wasn't. But Robin from Batman-and-Robin is hungry.

****

Robin: That is so spooky. Do you know everything I'm thinking?

****

Deep Voiced Narrator: No, only what's in the script.

****

Arthur: Let's go get some pizza. I'm hungry.

****

Robin: _[hurt] _That was going to be my line. It's in the script and all.

****

Arthur: Well I haven't had much to do in this scene.

****

Robin: I wonder why.

****

Deep Voiced Narrator: It's ok Arthur, you have a line coming up in a minute.

****

Arthur: What is it?

****

Deep Voiced Narrator: You're going to ask where the pizza take out menu is. Then after you've found it under the twister mat you're going to argue for some time before eventually deciding to go out for Chinese instead. 

****

Arthur: _[slowly] _So, now you've told us we don't really need to do those things do we? The audience already knows what's going to happen.

****

Deep Voiced Narrator: Technically no but I would suggest … hey where're you going? 


	6. Scene 5

Scene 5:

__

[Merry men come and sit on the edge of the stage. spotlight on Little John.]

****

Little John: _[talking straight ahead] _It wasn't like this originally, you know. We were all equal- one big group, the Merry Men. We started off small- the usual stuff. Rescuing damsels in distress, cats from trees, etc. But then Nottingham came along, and we started getting a bit more publicity. The whole robbing from the rich to give to the poor thing went down amazingly, and suddenly we had more work than we could cope with. 

****

Cary: It was Robin's idea to hire an agent, of course. Robin could never resist the opportunity to get his face seen- even if it was only on a wanted poster. Anyway, she told us that apparently there had been some new kind of research that proved that groups with a headman sold better than groups without. So we nominated Little John. He'd always been the brains of the group, after all. Plus there had just been that campaign he led against the cafeteria food, which was still fresh in everyone's minds. [pauses] Unlike the food, of course. 

****

Errol: But apparently Little John would sell worse than no head man at all, and we needed someone who would appeal to the teenage element. She suggested that half-witted Hood would be an excellent choice. Looking back, we should probably have been a bit suspicious about that, especially when she suggested he come back to her place for 'talks'. But the fame was new to us, so we agreed.

****

Brian: I didn't agree.

****

Cary: No me neither. 

****

Deep Voiced Narrator: Did any of you actually vote for Robin then? [pause]

****

Will Scarlet: Shut up! We're trying to have a serious moment here.

****

Deep Voiced Narrator: [sniffily] They started it. 

****

Friar Tuck: So then we were Robin Hood and his Merry Men. And for a while, it was ok. Sure, Robin wasn't the brightest of the bunch, but we had John to do the thinking for him. All you really had to do was point him in the direction of the bad guys, and be there to drag him away before too many teenage girls mobbed him.

****

Kevin: But before long, everything started to change. We'd always known that Robin would cheerfully declare himself _dead _if we promised to print a photo of him in the obituary column, but he started to get worse. He wasn't content to be the figurehead any more- he wanted to be in charge. We didn't really realize anything was wrong until he went for that children's TV interview to talk about how he'd saved Friar Tuck. Him?!? He got himself captured, and Little John had to mount a rescue mission. But guess who gets all the credit?

****

Bradley: He started doing photo shoots and interviews on his own. When we objected, they told us we weren't good looking enough- we wouldn't sell enough magazines. They wanted Robin for the star, and the rest of us were just backup.

****

Brian: They were lying though because next to the article about us was one about Friends. If David Schwimmer can sell I think we'd probably do alright.

****

Bradley: Well he's OK in a mopey sort of way I guess. 

****

Brian: If you insist.

Friar Tuck: Hey you two, shut up! We're supposed to be having a poignant and touching moment here!

****

Brian and Bradley: Sorry. _[pause]_

****

Brian: Nope, it's no good. All the atmosphere's gone. _[pause]_

****

Will Scarlet: We didn't really need the atmosphere though really did we? We're all here to rant about Robin's incompetence right? And who needs atmosphere for that? Heck, we do it all the time. 

****

Bradley: But this time it's different. Now we're not even invited to this stupid award-giving thing! It's not like we didn't do most of the saving of the world. You think Scott could have included us, its not like I really want the stupid trophy but a little recognition would've been nice.

****

Will Scarlet: Speaking of Scott Evil doesn't it seem strange, this whole ceremony thing? I mean I believe in our prison's reformation system as much as the next dashingly charming rogue outlaw but to totally change round 180 degrees? It's unnatural. 

****

Little John: I agree. Something smells rotten and for once its not last weeks chips. I think we should try and infiltrate the ceremony and I just so happen to have a rather cunning plan.

[Lights out] 


	7. Scene 6

Scene 6:

__

[The Merry-men walk on from the side of the hall and approach the guard.]

****

Little John: Hello, we're the Merry-men. We're here for the award ceremony.

****

Guard:_ [Looks quickly at his paper.] _I'm sorry but you're not on the list.

****

Will Scarlet: Are you sure?

****

Guard: _[Checks again.]_ Quite sure. 

****

Friar Tuck: Well can you tell us who is on the list?

****

Guard: Not unless you're on the list, which you aren't. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

****

Little John: Don't worry men I expected this. Onto Plan B. 

__

[Merry-men troop off. Soon afterwards they return carrying teddy bears.]

****

Little John: Hi, I'm Peter Pan and these are my lost boys.

****

Guard: _[squints] _You look remarkably familiar. 

****

Bradley: Oh no, we're definitely not the Merry-men.

****

Guard: Some of your boys there have beards. 

****

Errol: So?

****

Guard: So technically speaking they're too old to be boys.

****

Errol: I wouldn't say that too loud mate. That's ageist that is!

****

Guard: Well however old you are you aren't on the list. Please leave. 

****

Little John: I was expecting that as well. Don't worry Plan C is much more cunning.

__

[Merry men troop off again. Then return wearing saucepans on their heads and wielding cardboard swords.]

****

Little John: I am Lancelot and these are my Knights of the Round Table.

****

Guard: Didn't you run off with King Arthur's wife?

****

Little John: Did I? Oh…yes. Sorry about that.

****

Guard: You're not on the list.

****

Brian: Really?

****

Guard: Yes really. 

****

Little John: Hmmm. Unfortunately for us this guard appears to have more than the two brain cells required as standard for a security guard. It seems we may have to get _even more _cunning. But don't worry, I have the perfect solution! On to Plan D.

__

[Merry Men leave. ]

****

Deep Voiced Narrator: At that moment the writers realised that they had run out of cunning disguises for the Merry Men and jumped through a convenient plot hold, forward ten minuters and onto the arrival of the heroes.

__

[Heroes walk in from the back of the hall through the audience. Across the stage is a large banner reading "Welcome Heroes to your finest hour"]

****

Lucy: Gosh! Look at all these people. 

__

[They climb onto the stage and look around.]

****

Robin Hood: They're here to see me. _[Other heroes groan] _Funny though there doesn't seem to be the number of celebrities you'd expect to see at such an event. Except me of course.

****

Peter: Actually he's right. 

****

Frodo: He's what? Robin's not a celebrity.

****

Robin: _[hurt]_ Hey!

****

Frodo: Well you aren't. But neither is Simple Simon over there. _[blankness.] _Robin Hood? 

****

Peter: That's not what I was talking about. Where are all the celebrities? 

****

Sleepy: Maybe they're coming later.

****

Peter: Maybe.

****

Edmund: _[getting distracted] _Golly-gosh, refreshments! Sardine sandwiches, with lashings of ginger beer. What luck!

****

Arthur: Sorry if I'm getting confused, but isn't it the Famous Five who drinks ginger beer?

****

Edmund: I don't know. Aren't we the same people?

****

Arthur: There being only four of you, I should think not.

****

Edmund: But weren't there only four in the Famous Five as well?

****

Arthur: In what possible way would that make sense?

****

Edmund: _[thinks] _Maybe they just preferred the number five. _[pause] _Can we have ginger beer anyway?

****

Deep Voiced Narrator: But just as our heroes were starting to get comfortable…

****

Grumpy: Look, he's doing it again. He's trying to butt in on the story!

****

Deep Voiced Narrator: But I'm part of the plot!

****

Grumpy: But you do this every time!

****

Deep Voiced Narrator: It's necessary! Can I do my line please?

****

Grumpy: _[sulkily] _I suppose so.

****

Deep Voiced Narrator: Thank you. _[pause] _But just as our heroes were starting to get comfortable…

****

Robin Hood: I like the banner but where're the trophies. 

****

Scott Evil: _[entering from the side]_ There are no trophies.

****

Batman: Are you sure?

****

Cat woman: Quite sure.

****

Robin: Then the narrator lied to us!

****

Deep Voiced Narrator: I did not! I simply read what was on the letter.

__

[long pause as the heroes try and figure out what's happening. Scott Evil and the villains try to help them out etc]

****

Arthur: So…

****

Scott Evil: Come on…

****

Arthur: The letter lied to us?

****

Sheriff: In a manner of speaking. _[He walks over to the banner and pulls away the word finest to reveal final. Several guards enter and tie the heroes together. Scott Evil pulls a gun from his belt and aims it at Robin Hood.]_

****

Scott Evil: Goodbye Robin.

****

Robin: _[terrified]_ Goodbye. 

****

Scott Evil: _[scornfully]_ Not you. Why would I execute you first? 

****

Robin: I don't know. How am I supposed to see inside the mind of a criminal mastermind? I'm just a dim but loveable sidekick.

****

Robin Hood: I thought we agreed that I was Robin.

****

Sam: No, you're Rob.

****

Robin Hood: Are you sure?

****

Sam: To be honest… no. But we had a talk and you're Robin…Rob. When we free ourselves I'll get you a nametag.

****

Scott Evil: Look whoever you are I'm going to shoot you now so it doesn't really matter whether you buy name tags or not, as you'll be dead in about ten seconds.

****

Batman: Wait a moment…aren't you going to leave us in an easily escapable situation with one inept guard?

****

Scott Evil: No I don't think so. I tried that in the last movie with Powers and it didn't work out.

****

Happy: _[hopefully] _You could try again.

****

Scott Evil: No, I don't think so.

****

Deep Voiced Narrator: Luckily, while Scott Evil was distracted, Robin Hood was thinking up a cunning plan…

****

Robin Hood: Was I?

****

Deep Voiced Narrator: Yes you are.

****

Robin Hood: Oh. Isn't that nice? [pause] What is it?

****

Deep Voiced Narrator: How should I know? I'm only the narrator. The plan is up to you.

****

Robin Hood: Oh dear. Ummmm…would something involving spoons work?

****

Susan: Of course not! How could spoons possibly help us?

****

Robin Hood: I don't know! I was hoping you could tell me. Maybe we could…

****

Scott Evil: Your time's run out, Mr. Hood. Prepare to die!

__

[black out.]

[artificial rewinding noise]

[light up]

****

Bashful: Oh my god what's that?

****

Dracula: You don't really think ve're going to fall for that do you?

****

Dopey: You might. It was worth a go.

****

Scott Evil: _[levelling gun] _Prepare to die!

__

[black out]

[rewinding noise plays again]

[light up]

****

Deep Voiced Narrator: [pointedly] Luckily, while Scott Evil was distracted, who should appear but the Merry Men!

__

[enter Merry Men wearing black sheets]

****

Little John: _[high pitched voice.]_ Hello, we're the nuns from Sister Act.

****

Guard: But you're men.

****

Kevin: So? Just because I'm a man does that mean I don't have the right to be a woman if I choose?

****

Guard: Well…yes.

****

Kevin: That's discrimination that is! You know what, I've had enough of you, can't be boys you're too old, can't be knights that's not a real sword…

****

Guard: I never said that.

****

Cary: You're only making it worse for yourself you know. 

****

Brian: I'm sure somewhere in America there's a lawyer who will take up our case. I want to sue!

****

Guard: _[hurriedly] _Er… please go right through sir…I mean Madame… 

****

Brian: Thankyou. 

__

[Merry men hurry onstage and draw their swords]

****

Little John: Scott Evil, your dastardly plan is foiled!

****

Scott Evil: No, this isn't right! I could've already killed Robin Hood in at least two alternative dimensions. You're cheating.

****

Arthur: I always cheat.

****

Scott Evil: Not you!

****

Deep Voiced Narrator: Actually yes, I am cheating. Sorry villains, but the rules of storytelling _clearly state _that no matter what the odds, evil can never win. Good must always triumph!

****

Sheriff: But that's not fair!

****

Deep Voiced Narrator: It doesn't have to be fair. It's a story. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some more lives to ruin. Dreams to crush. Jumpers to insult…

__

[in the meantime, the goodies have been untied. Robin draws his sword and holds it to Scott Evil's throat]

****

Robin Hood: I have defeated you, Scott Evil! You may have thought you had prevailed, but I, with my bravery, wit and cunning, have won through at last!

__

[Merry men groan]

****

Scott Evil: Are you going to kill me?

****

Robin Hood: No, I'm not that kind of guy. Instead, I have thought up a hideous punishment for you!

****

Saruman: No, you're not going to lock us in a room with "Consider Yourself" playing on a continuous loop?

****

Arthur: Actually, no. But that's even better. Lets do that!

__

[cries of Nooooooo etc. from the baddies] 

****

Wicked Queen: _[throwing herself to the ground] _Please no, not that! We'll do anything! Anything!

****

Batman: _[considering] _Too late.

[amidst cries of anguish from the baddies, the goodies turn to audience and proceed to sing and dance 'Consider Yourself'. On closing notes, black out]


End file.
